No Subject

how does one label the way that i feel at this very moment? why give it a name? it won't make things feel better or make things right again-in fact, things might be made worse. it's crazy: ten minutes ago i was on top of the world. i had everything figured out and my life was going according to plan. then suddenly, the plan was being flushed down the toilet right before my eyes, my dreams slipping through my fingers, leaving me with fear. such fear that i had never experienced before. going from being in control to having my arms pinned at my sides. how will i get out of this? i know i'm smart enough to figure it all out, but right now i just want to be angry...if that is what i'm feeling now. i don't know what to think or what to do. i only wish that i had a back-up plan. why wasn't i good enough? or what made someone else better? why can't i receive an answer to these questions? it won't matter anyway. it's funny: the waiting place was my worst fear, and i was thinking i wouldn't have to face it until much later; but this waiting place is far worse than i had ever anticipated, and i have to face it now.